Archive for November, 2008

Life

Posted in about me, family, friends, life, transition on 11.30.08 by Maalik

I talked to my counselor on Monday and we started discussing transitioning and such. I’m at point where I’m going to have to either find a way to some support (therapist who works with gender issues or a support group) or come out to my parents if I want to progress. I’ve basically done everything I can short of hormones and surgery and the only way I’m going to be really comfortable with my body is to physically transition.

That said, I’m trying to prepare myself so that I can hit the ground running as soon as I come out to my parents and get a script for surgery/T. One thing about estrogen is that it’s better for the body as far as cholesterol and heart issues and the like, so once I start testosterone I’m really going to have to be concerned about staying healthy. Also, if I want to be really cut and put those muscle-building properties of T to good use I’m going to have to start working out. So I’ve convinced my mom to sign me up for the gym. I start in December so that’s exciting. I’m also taking the steps to get my driver’s license. It’s something I don’t really want to do, but being stuck in the suburbs, the benefits outweigh my anxiety over it so I’m going for it. Fun.

School is okay. I’ve got less than two weeks left in the semester and I’m not worried about failing any classes. I signed up for some really amazing classes next semester, too, so I’m looking forward to that. I went home (like that was far) for Thanksgiving which was cool because my brother came up as well and I got to hang out with him. I spent a lot of time with my dad which I never really do but part of me felt really sad about that because I feel like I’m going to disappoint him by not being his “little girl.” More on that later.

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Connection to my Cock

Posted in about me, life, transition on 11.26.08 by Maalik

I’ve noticed recently that I’m developing (just beginning to realize?) a strong connection to my packer. I got my first one about two months ago and I’d been wearing it on and off, but recently I’ve been wearing it almost continuously. I don’t even wear it to pass, it’s more just about the comfort of having it there. Even when I don’t wear it during the day, I have to wear it when I sleep or else I’m not comfortable.

Outside of the need to wear it, I feel like my cock is really a part of me. My friend came over a couple of weeks ago and stumbled upon it while trolling around my room and it really upset me. I wasn’t wearing it, but having him see my cock made me feel like he’d dropped my pants. I felt violated. I also prefer to wash it in the shower because it feels weird to wash it in the sink.

I don’t know, that was a rather pointless entry. It’s 2:47 AM and I’m half delusional so… yeah.

Them New Yorkers Got It Right

Posted in Uncategorized on 11.24.08 by Maalik

So I went to New York today sort of on a school trip. And I passed everywhere. I wasn’t even binding because I didn’t feel like doing it for 16 hours straight, but everywhere I went people were “here you are sir” and “hey man.” Maybe it’s because I’ve got a New York attitude at this point. I practically live there, I’m up there so much, so I don’t feel like a tourist and I don’t act like it. And then when I put that head-forward-don’t-fuck-with-me attitude on and charge into a store my energy is very masculine and, even with tits, people assume I’m male. That’s what I’ll chalk it up to, anyway. It makes sense though, because when I’m at school I feel uncomfortable so I have a very reserved, meek energy that people tack as female. So maybe I just need to act like an angry New Yorker and I’ll pass all the time. I loved it though, I got to visit Stonewall for the first time and check out the Oscar Wilde bookstore. Amazing. I got this movie, XXY, at the bookstore that I’m really excited to watch.

I have an essay to write before English tomorrow. It’s only a rough draft, and only has to be 3 pages, but I’m exhausted. I don’t meet with my counselor until Tuesday so I think I’m going to do it tomorrow.

On Passing, On Names

Posted in family, life, rants on 11.23.08 by Maalik

Two quick updates because I’m in a hurry.

First, I’ve changed my “sex” to male on Facebook/MySpace/other social networking sites. None of my friends have commented on it, but I just got a message from someone who’s looking to attend my university and he read me as male! Probably not a huge deal, but it felt really good to finally pass. Even if it’s just online.

And a mini-rant that I’ll further explain later: I am so fucking sick of my parents calling me by my birth name. In public when people just catch a glimpse of me I’m pretty sure I register as male, but then my parents call me by my (very feminine) birth name and fuck everything up. And I hate it because I’ve told them to refer to me as Maalik, but they don’t listen. I am not the person who went by my birth name, I probably never was. And I feel so intensely disconnected with it that when I’m called by that, not only is it disrespectful, but it throws me.

Frustrated

Posted in family, friends, life, rants, transition on 11.21.08 by Maalik

I’m feeling a little bummed and frustrated right now. There are a couple of lesbians who want to go out with me, but even though I identify as a queer transguy I feel like I need to date a straight girl right now to affirm my “manhood.” And it’s stupid and juvenile, but dating a lesbian is too detrimental to my self-image right now. It’s frustrating because I still look female enough that I can’t attract straight females and I want someone to support me and love me as a male and affirm my gender in an intimate way. I don’t know, I’m mostly rambling here.

The whole “presenting as male without testosterone” thing isn’t going well. The whole demeanor/body mismatch is proving to hurt my ability to pass more than I’d expected. I’m also getting increasingly upset about my lack of facial hair. I’m tired is all. I need some affirmation that someone knows I’m a guy. My frCheck Spellingiends aren’t really there, my family certainly isn’t, and I’m not even passing.

Progress!

Posted in coming out, life, transition on 11.18.08 by Maalik

I came out to my counselor today! It took almost the whole session, but I finally came around to it and she was way cool about it. We didn’t get into details, but I’m going to bring up wanting to physically transition next week. I feel really relieved now. I’m finally telling people that I’m trans and it kind of takes away the power of it. I’m not letting it keep me captive anymore.

A Different Approach

Posted in coming out, family, life, transition on 11.16.08 by Maalik

I’ve been obsessed with getting T for the past few months because I was sure that testosterone was the magic juice that would finally allow me to be seen as male. And the problem is that getting T requires me to go through doctors and therapy and to come out to my parents, and I’m not ready to do that right now.

My counselor wants me to build a support network before I make a such huge jump, but that becomes difficult because it’s hard to find other FtMs and because I have trouble interacting with people I don’t know well. What I’ve noticed, though, is that I have a lot more confidence when I’m presenting as male. Even when I don’t pass, just going out and feeling like I’m putting myself out as male instead of hiding makes me feel more confident.

And what occured to me to today is that there are lots of transguys who never take testosterone and still pass no problem. So I’m going to try doing that for now; I’ll present as male and make friends and build confidence like that until I’m ready to come out to my family and start taking T. One huge benefit of going at it this way is that I can make sure this is truly what I want before physically changing myself, and that I’ll have the fluidity of being what’s expected of me around my parents and still being myself in public.

I’m fortunate in that I’m pretty masculine to begin with. My voice is pretty deep and my mannerisms are very masculine so the biggest problem for me is that I look like a twelve year old boy even though I have the demeanor of a twenty year old. That’s something I think I can get around as long as I look “male enough” in other aspects. The only thing I regret is that I hadn’t thought about this before the school year so that I could’ve entered college as a male and been accepted that way. I go to a small school so I’m basically stuck being seen as female until I transfer, but it is what it is. What’s kind of cool is that part of the Standards of Care when dealing with trans patients is that they either live as their desired gender or go through therapy in order to start taking hormones, so if I live as a male I’ll be able to bypass some of the therapy. Potentially.