Hiatus

Posted in life, reference on 12.12.10 by Maalik

As you can probably tell, this blog is on hiatus and will continue to be for the forseeable future. This is partially because I’ve been feeling uncreative/not in the mood to write recently, and partially as a consequence of my evolving identity. If you’re still interested in hearing from me, I’m pretty active on tumblr.

Until then…

One Week, One Day on T

Posted in transition on 06.15.10 by Maalik

I got my first shot of testosterone last Monday. Right now I’m taking 25 mg every other week– I wanted to take a low dose– and I go in next week to learn to self inject. I know my voice shouldn’t be deeper, but it seems like it is. I think it’s because I’ve been talking from a lower place in my throat, but I’m not sure if testosterone has anything to do with it. Physically, that’s been my only change so far (as expected).

I’ve been feeling really great since starting T. I’d been cycling through periods of depression because I hadn’t been going anywhere in my transition and that’s over. I’m also a lot more confident– I flirt with girls more than I ever used to and feel more accepted among other guys. My dysphoria hasn’t bothered me yet, but we’ll see what happens over the weekend because that’s when it gets bad.

Reflection?

Posted in about me, life, transition, Uncategorized on 05.14.10 by Maalik

Today was supposed to be my T-day. I had an appointment for the 13th, but had to reschedule because of class. I’m obviously pretty bummed about it, but I’ve come so far since this time last year I can’t be upset. My new T-day is in less than a month and by the time it gets here I should have my petition for name change filed. When I see my doctor for T, I’ll also have her fill out a form to get that damned F on my ID changed to an M. With any luck, I’ll have a swanky “Maalik/M” ID by the end of August. And I’ll be a Massachusetts resident.

I’ve decided to start on a low dose of T for my voice. I come from a family of baritones and I think I’ve got a good shot at getting there if I go through my second puberty like most boys. That’s my theory, anyway. God knows if it will work. It will also give my family and acquaintances some time to adjust.

On Coming Out

Posted in coming out, life, Uncategorized on 05.14.10 by Maalik

I have a confession to make– I never really came out.

I wrote my three closest, queerest friends a letter saying that I wanted to be called “Maalik” and was going to use “he” from then on, but at that point it was pretty much assumed that I was trans. And I never bothered to tell my other friends, I let them read Facebook and figure it out.

It worked the same way with my family. I never had the ‘sit down, I have to tell you something’ discussion. They just assumed and I eventually clarified that I am, indeed, a boy. I’m on a LGBT speaker’s bureau at my school, so anyone who sees a panel knows I’m trans and in class I just accept whatever label people put on me; by the end of the semester, they seem to figure it out, too. Now, however, I am confronted with my first real need to come out. And it’s terrifying.

I am living in apartment-style housing for the summer and I’ve got four roommates. They’re all really cool women, but they think I am also a woman. Between living with them and starting T in the next month (woohoo!), I think I need to tell them the truth. I have no idea how to go about it, though– I’ve never done this before! Should I sit them all down? Say it casually in passing? Come out to them one at a time? Ah…

I feel closest to one of my roommates and I think she’s more likely to be an ally, so I’m thinking about coming out to her first and working my way around. But even with this plan, I don’t know what I should say or how I should say it. I’ll keep you updated, hopefully I do it without going crazy!

Note About Content

Posted in reference on 03.19.10 by Maalik

I started the blog as a way to document my transition– most of my earlier posts were related to coming out, experiences, etc. Over the past year or so, however, my transition stagnated so I turned to trans-related discussions in general. I’m going to keep at that, but now that I’m actually going somewhere with my transition my posts are going to get more personal.

Edit: I’ve also decided to integrate this blog as part of a larger transition-documentation website. It’s available here, but you have to register to get to videos/photos.

Quick Update

Posted in life, quick hit on 02.16.10 by Maalik

I’m still around. I’ve been pretty busy with school lately, but I have a few drafts that I’m going to try and finish by the end of the week. I’ll be more prolific once I get through these next few weeks, promise.

On the more personal side of things, I’ve got an appointment next week to see if I can skip therapy and go on hormones. If everything goes well I should be starting T in the beginning of March.

Why I am “Transgendered”

Posted in about me, political, queer on 12.23.09 by Maalik

Note: The views I express are mine alone and should be considered as a voice within the transgender community rather than the voice of the community itself. I can speak only of my own experiences. This is true for this entire blog, but I think it is especially important to note in this post.

The way I view myself as a trans person would usually characterize me as a “transexual”– I am a man and have been a man for as long as I’ve been alive; for me, my trans status is more akin to a medical condition than an identity. Despite this, I prefer to identify as “transgendered.” I’ve tried to figure out why I do not refer to myself as transexual. While I dislike the gender binary, I am perfectly content to live within the male box and  I don’t think of myself as particularly gender-transgressive.

What I’ve found is that, like many transgendered people, I see a flaw with the definition and usage of “sex.” I am male-bodied and will be whether or not I make any effort to “masculinize” my body. I wasn’t born in the wrong body; I was a boy born in a male body in a society where “male” was wrongly defined. For me, top surgery is like pectoral implants than heart surgery– my body does not necessarily need correction in its present form.

This isn’t to say that transitioning isn’t necessary. The disphoria I experience with my chest is very real and very serious. But it does mean that, were I able to live comfortably with my present body, there would be nothing to fix. For me, transitioning isn’t about altering my body to make it more male, it’s about altering my body to make it more comfortable.

Transgendered man, transsexual man, man with a trans history… honestly, the specific label I’m given within the trans community doesn’t really matter to me. But if I have to choose, I’ll go with “transgendered” because I’m as much about redefining gender roles for society as a whole as I am about adhering to them for myself.